The Listenary

Giving advice can be a tricky business. Whether the target person asked for it or not, the manner in which advice is given colors how it is received. The don'ts are the same as for any other kind of communication.

Don't interrupt. Don't interrupt even the train of thought. Don't say, "you should," "why don't you," or "you always/never." Don't tell someone else what to do unless you must (for other reasons than that you simply know the answer and are dying to tell it).

Here are sample openers for giving advice without saying, "you should." Before blurting, it might be helpful to determine where you are going with your advice as summed in the headings I've listed here.

Options

• I wonder if we could explore options together.
• It seems to me that your options might include going to New York, on the one hand, or moving in with your parents, on the other hand.
• I'd like to hear what you consider to be your options.

Next Step

• I'd like to hear what you want to do about this.
• I wonder what you see as your next step.
• I wonder if talking with Dave might be your next step.

Desired Outcome

• Draw me a picture, if you will, of how you'd like to see this turn out.
• I wonder what you want out of this situation.
• I'd like to hear your bottom line, the outcome you would most like to see here.

Personal Opinion

• If I were in your place, I think I would go to New York.
• In my opinion the second arrangement is better than the first.
• Well, I heard you ask for my opinion so I will tell you; I have always liked red better than blue in that room.

Personal Instance

• Once when I got caught in traffic behind a bad accident, this is what I did.
• I remember when I made a hard choice like this and this is what happened.
• I remember how I felt when my child came home from school with a black eye.