The Listenary

For communication under pressure, I gave you a formula found in this article. The first step is to discover what it is that you are feeling and a word to describe it. Second, one must describe the specific behavior that is related to the feeling. Third, comes the desired result, the goal, of this communication effort. The formula is encapsulated in the words "I feel . . . when you . . . and I want . . . ."

So we come to the ". . . and I want . . ." section, requiring a want phrase. You may choose sample want phrases from this page. When you are ready to create your own want phrases let's consider some helpful hints.

Of course, you want to see the behavior corrected! That is if it's negative. Or repeated, if positive. You already said as much when you described the behavior. In order to access deep honesty in yourself and the other person you must go deeper into your own motives. What "want" of yours lies beneath the goal regarding the behavior? What benefit will accrue to you from a change or repetition in this behavior? Go deeper by asking the reason that benefit matters to you? And then further, what is the value you attach to that reason?

Indeed, these are questions it can't hurt to ask yourself about many things in your mind and heart and words. If you will work hard to operate according to your "bottom line" on any issue, over time, others will feel invited to respond to you out of their own "bottom line."

Sometimes, in comunication under pressure, it is helpful to examine the feeling word you chose. This word may help you in accessing your bottom line desire or goal. How strong is that feeling? What makes that feeling so strong for you? And what is the reason that is so important to you?

Someone stands back aghast and says, "I could never say my bottom line to my other. He/she would so take advantage of knowing my deepest feelings to block my desires or hurt me deeply." If this is your response, please stop! Don't go any farther along this path in communication with that person. You have something else going on besides open honesty in relationship. Please continue reading and examining your own communication styles as we go along. We will discuss how to deal with this, later, as I do in my coaching and training sessions. For now, please keep growing for yourself.

". . . and I want you to . . ." This, then, is the one structure you will avoid in the want phrase. The want phrase is an I-statement, not about the behavior change in the other person, because you've already nailed that. Avoid "you" after "want."

What do you really want? A helpful question to add focus to all of life.