The Listenary

Yes, there are times when you need to say "you," even in I-statements made under pressure. I invite you to write out sentences following the formula described here before you try to make your own. In this present article, I want to explore the ". . . when you . . ." section of the formula. I will share with you some cautions to take with the use of that often volatile word "you," especially volatile in communication under pressure.

Notice that the ". . . when you . . ." comes after the "I feel . . ." in the formula I gave you. Indeed, reversing these two elements does not much damage to effective communication. I simply wanted us to deal with the feeling first, and I find it makes a stronger beginning. What you feel is your honesty showing; what you feel is irrefutable, inarguable; what you feel is what must be faced and dealt with by you and the other person.  This second section of the I-statement formula reaches back to the feeling to describe what triggers the feeling in you.

Notice also that what comes after ". . . when you . . ." is purposely called a "behavior phrase." I've listed some sample behavior phrases here. I'd like you to search deeply within yourself to discover exactly what specific behavior triggers the feeling you identified.

Specific. The description you're looking for is of a specific behavior. If it's a non-verbal element like rolling the eyes, name it; bring the non-verbals into verbal status. If it's a cluster of behaviors that fit together, you can name the cluster if you're quite sure the other person will recognize the name and understand it as a specific cluster of behaviors. Don't take shortcuts like "when you act that way," or "when you talk to me that way." Name the specific action or the specific tone of voice or other behavior that triggers the feeling you named. 

Simple. Yes, this can be done in a few words! Do not go on an on. Think first so you don't have to continue adding onto the description throughout the hour, or throughout the day. And never include the words "never" or "always" in a "you" section of a sentence. Can you hear the shackles and prison bars in sentences like, "You never watch where you're going," or "You always look away when I talk to you"? Simple behavior descriptions require thought and deep honesty to discover the connection between behavior and the feeling that alerts you to the behavior.

Not the Subject. Let's keep some cautions in place for the use of the word "you." Don't start the sentence with "you," else it will automatically sound like an accusation to be defended against rather than a description to be faced. Don't make "you" the subject of the primary clause of the sentence. Using "when" in front of "you" subjugates the clause to secondary status whether you say it at the beginning or in the middle of the sentence. Again, the point is the feeling this behavior generates in you; this must remain in primary focus, the subject of the pirmary clause.

When you need to say "you," make the comment specific, simple, and not the subject of the sentence. These instructions are especially for communication settings that have turned difficult. They work well at other times, also. Try them and let me know if they help your situation.