The Listenary

My first set of correctives for I-statements under pressure will look at common mistakes in using the I-feel segment of the statement. You'll find the instructions, given previously, for making I-statements under pressure here.

If saying "I feel . . ." feels strange to you, you are not alone. This is new to many people. Practice will make it easier. So keep on writing and trying your statements in safe places.

Here some common mistakes to avoid as you practice I-feel statements.

"I feel that . . ." The red flag here is the "that" after "feel." The insertion of "that" allows you to circumvent altogether the hard work of deciding what it is that you actually feel. It simply creates an added and confusing prefix to the statement you would have used without "I feel." I invite you to use this moment of thinking in I-language to go deep and discover exactly what it is you feel at this moment. Do this often while learning this new communication skill. Then when the moment of pressure arrives, your discovery time will be shorter, and you will have more confidence in the honesty and power of your communication. Don't say "that" after "feel."

"I feel like . . ." Yes, the feeling word from the list must follow immediately after the word "feel." Otherwise you open your statement to include rant or analogy that allows your listener to break concentration on you and your feelings. If your statement pictures either what you think is going on or something this reminds you of that you think is similar, then both you and your listener get sidetacked from your purpose. Your purpose is to insist that both you and your listener must face squarely your feelings. You want to do your best to keep his or her attention riveted on what you really and deeply feel about the issue in order to require his or her understanding and response. Don't say "like" after "feel."

"I feel you . . ." This is a poorly disguised you statement. It let's you circumvent your own required hard work. It distracts attention. Furthermore, it focuses the attention of your listener on something he or she can very easily refute. It invites defensiveness, the other person's effort to explain or argue or intimidate away the issue. Really now, you don't know the other person's feelings. You cannot discover them as you can your own. True, as mother or spouse, you may know that person so well that you can surmise and get it right, but the very form of the statement invites argument and therefore hinders honest communication in the moment of pressure. The only thing not arguable in a moment of pressure is your own feelings. You can know them. It might take practice to learn to access them quickly, but you can discover your own feelings and cite them as irrefutable, irrepressible facts. Don't say "you" after "feel."

Now write some more I-feel statements. If you've filled up one page from the instructions listed here then I invite you to try making up some of your own. Think back to a difficult communication moment from today or recently and create several I-feel statements regarding that issue. Avoid the common pitfalls I discussed here, and look for new posts about pitfalls in the other two parts of the statements.

Let me know how it goes.