The Listenary

Effective listening and communication depends on honest and clear I-statements. Listen to how these various other pronouns lack the honesty and clarity of saying "I."

"We are all poor listeners. If we'd just learn some listening skills we'd be more successful in life." Do you hear the preachiness in this statement? The lie in it lies in the fact that one person claims to know and speak for any number of others.

"They told me that if I attended that seminar, they'd give me a bonus." There is not enough clarity here for the receiver of this statement to follow up to find the missing bonus.

"He certainly doesn't listen very well. He and she fight all the time. The other day he said . . ." Ah, this sounds like pure gossip to me. When in my coaching office I start to hear many HEs or SHEs, I stop and ask my client to say I. It is so much more helpful to personal growth and confidence.

"It is obvious someone needs to listen better around here." So I ask my client what he or she has decided to do about it. It can sound very irresponsible, and even let the speaker off the hook for any choice or action at all. There are times when It-statements are useful and even needed to reduce the sense of being manipulated. However, a return to I-statements as soon as possible is the only way toward restoring a mutually trusting relationship.

What are your experiences in switching to I-statements?