The Listenary

Here are a few more red flags, words to weed from your conversation, in order to increase the effective listening of all involved.

"You make me . . ." Do you really want to give that person the power to "make you" in this context? If I say, "You make me so angry!" I'm denying my own power over my own feelings, and I'm accusing another person of what they might like to think they can do but what they can't. The accusatory tone will raise defensiveness or increase the other person's smugness. If I say, "You make me so happy!" I again deny my own power to manage my own feelings, and I might instill in the other person either a trapped or a complacent feeling that I did not intend.

"You never/always . . ." The rule is never use universals, and of course, I just did! Universals, like never, no one, always, everyone, all, and none, can be easily refuted and thus they automatically distract from the credibility and weight of your statement. Besides that, they usually cry out for this refutation and so raise defensiveness and argument, so the other person cannot listen to the real feelings you wanted to communicate.

"You should . . ." This is an esay red flag to notice because you can simply tag "should" as a no-no. I don't really know for sure what the other person "should" do because I don't know all the antecedents or ramifications of the choices, neither do I know all the possible choices.  I can flag this word "should" in third person. I can flag it in first person, because there are kinder and more positive ways to tell myself what to do.

"You are . . ." This one is a bit puzzling. If used with another verb, it works. "You are coming at 9 a.m., right?" "You are skiing very well today." However, if used with a noun or adjective, it can be confusing at the least and demanding or entrapping at the most. Try these: "You are so smart." "You are just plain stupid." Either statement fails to say what you really feel, so try these instead: "I think you just did something smart/stupid."

If our aim is to encourage effective listening and communication, then we will work at reducing things like defensiveness and confusion. I-statements are honest, clear, non-accusatory, and powerful. Try them, and let me know how it works.