The Listenary

"Selfish" and "unselfish" are words most English speakers heard at about age two.

I have a long history of input on the merits of being one and not being the other. Because of my deeply imbedded training in other people's ideas of what the words mean, I have needed to search and work hard to know what I think about them as my own adult.

I will offer here some ways I now describe the kind of unselfishness I want and some contrasting descriptions of some things I have seen and will label "false unselfishness." Some of these ideas come from David Seabury's book, The Art of Selfishness (New York, NY: Simon and Schuster, 1964).

*Unselfishness is to give of myself to defy and ignore all predatory greed. False unselfishness is to overwork or "sacrifice self" for the pleasure or consequences that belong to someone else.

*Unselfishness is to give of myself to understand truth. False unselfishness is to talk about "the truth" so piously as to repress other adults in their search, doubt, or choice.

*Unselfishness is to give of myself to share my own growth and truth. False unselfishness is to make myself the warden of another person's personal truth.

*Unselfishness gives of myself to my own life tasks. False unselfishness might "deny myself" and become a burden on others.

*Unselfishness gives of myself to eliminate predatory competition. False unselfishness might talk about "good sportsmanship" or "teamwork" while preying on the weaknesses or losses of others.

*Unselfishness gives of myself to increase listening and cooperation. False unselfishness might listen to or otherwise cooperate with predators.

*Unselfishness gives of myself to protect for every human the right of choice. False unselfishness might protect other adults from growth through their own pain.

*Unselfishness gives things away to fight the build-up of materialism in my own life. False unselfishness might "give to the poor" while continuing to benefit from their poverty or need.

*Unselfishness gives of myself and my reputation to practice a NO whenever a YES would compromise any of the boundaries we've been describing. False unselfishness might give whatever is asked, being concerned for "What will people think?"

*Unselfishness gives first, gives money, time, smiles, and God's praise as seed, BEFORE starting a project or a prayer. False unselfishness might give money, time, or things only from a sense of duty, or as thanks AFTER the help.

*Unselfishness gives of myself to to expect and talk about miracles from God. False unselfishness might withdraw oneself into prayers that focus on needs and impossibilities.