The Listenary

This article is meant to recap the skills taught in this class by applying the skills of dealing with verbal abuse. When one person begins to take on more healthy speech patterns, others in the family or team may seek to bring back the familiar patterns. This is where verbal abuse can have some of its most devastating consequences. So lets struggle together with these possible scenarios.

You have learned to Listen More and to Say I. You have worked with a formula for I-language and you begin using it. You say, “When you take so much time to tell me your comments, I feel frustrated, and I want clear points and conclusions whenever you talk to me.”

Read each possible response below and decide would you do with it.

1. “Well, when YOU take so much time talking about your FOOTball game or JOKing to your FRIENDS on the PHONE, I feel VERY upset with you, and I want YOU to pay ATTENTION to BUSINESS.”

2. “Well, when YOU insist on deciding without hearing MY side, I feel ANGRY, and I want you to LISTen to ME.”

3. “Well, YOU’RE not so bright EITHer; when YOU leave your COAT, hat, and BRIEFcase on my CHAIR, I feel frustrated, TOO.”

4. “When you use formula speech on me, I feel angry, and I want to talk normally again.”

You have learned the Assertiveness formula and you begin using it. You say, “I am noticing extra emphasis on certain words and a raised tone of voice. I wonder if you could be feeling angry with me.”

Read each possible response below and decide would you do with it.

1. “Well, I noticed your ABsence from your DAUGHter's school play, and your CRAzy BLUNDers at the PARTY last night, and NOW you put your SHOES on the COFFee table.”

2. “If you REALly loved me you wouldn’t WORry about how I SAY things.”

3. “Even YOU should be able to figure THAT one out.”

4. “Don’t you even CARE what the NEIGHBORS will THINK of us?”

5. “ALL the neighbors underSTAND, honey, WHAT a BLUNDerbuss you are.”

6. “A person who REALLY wanted to get us comMUNicating better, wouldn’t DO things that UPSET me so.”

7. “Why don’t you JUST look at yourSELF? Figure out why YOU do the things you do.”

8. “SOME people would be SCREAMing at you right now about SITting there so nonchaLANTly when there’s WORK to be done.”

9. “I am VERY angry with you.”

You have learned about Conflict Management strategies and you begin using them. You say, “I’m interested in a win-win solution for us.”

Read each possible response below and decide would you do with it.

1. “Oh, I’LL get a win out of THIS; I'LL see to THAT.”

2. “Even YOU should be able to figure out that two VEhicles can’t be in the same place at ONCE without a colLIsion.”

3. “SURE, I want the MOON, too.”

4. “Oh, YOU just talk that way so I’ll THINK I’m getting a win.”

5. “When you say win-win, I feel afraid that if I try for a win-win, I will have to give you so much that you will take my information to gain a win only for you and a lose for me. I want some assurance that my win will continue to be as important to you as your own win.”

You try again with good Conflict Management strategies. You say, “I believe conflict could be good for us; I would like us to agree on some ground rules so we will fight fairly. I need us to work on only one topic at a time and not allow name calling, blaming, throwing, or hitting. I wonder if you can think of any rules you would need?”

Read each possible response below and decide would you do with it.

1. “YOU'RE just trying to conTROL the outcome to have it YOUR way.”

2. “What are you a WEAKLing or something? Can’t face the MUSic?”

3. “Oh SURE, go off and get us a THERapist, TOO, while your AT it.”

4. “EVeryone knows that NOTHing's fair around HERE.”

5. “So you’ve listed the ground rules YOU want. I feel boxed in and controlled AGAIN, because I didn’t have any input.”