The Listenary

Most verbal attack hidden agenda is aimed toward your feeling bad about yourself, so you will reject your own counter to the hurtful agenda, so you emotions will take over the conversation, so the attacker can consume your attention and add insult to injury as the incident rolls along. That's too long a sentence, but I wanted to give you the feeling of momentum that happens if you bite the bait and enter into the game chosen by your attacker.

Keep your responses in It-language. Purge your responses from "red flag" words and spikes in emphasis. Keep a computer voice, serious tone, a slight smile if you can, but not a grin or glare or glint. Breaking this part of the instructions will only inflame the attacker. It is dangerous.

I will give you short responses. I don't think well on my feet so I have to memorize short answers. If your tongue works very well under pressure, you might enjoy some of the longer answers suggested in the books by Suzette Haden Elgin and Patricia Evans listed in my bibliography.

One more caution: If you discover that a presupposition in your attacker's work is that you should feel afraid, please get help beyond this seminar. If you feel afraid for your physical safety, this is not a stupid fear. Please take steps to find a physically safe place.

Presupposition: You're wrong or incompetent. --"It's interesting that many people think a _______ incompetent." You fill in the blank.

Presupposition: You should doubt yourself. --"When did you start thinking that I . . . ?"

Presupposition: You should be ashamed of yourself. --"That's an interesting question." Make it about some nebulous "them," not you.

Presupposition: You should change your feelings. --"It's interesting that people think that one can change one's feelings at a moment's notice."

Presupposition: You're to blame. --"Nonsense."

Presupposition: You should feel trapped, immobilized, hopeless. --Offer a total non-sequitor that sets you firmly outside the box the attacker has created.

Presupposition: You should feel obligated. --"How kind." "How thoughtful of them." "How perceptive."

Presupposition: You should read the attacker's mind and feel bad about yourself. --Apply the statement to some amorphous "them" rather than to yourself. "You're absolutely right . . . ." 

Presupposition: You have the power to make. --"It's a common idea that people have more power than they actually do."

Presupposition: You should feel bad about yourself. --"So you say."

There are so many more variations to effective responses. These are meant only to illustrate. Some of their parts are interchangeable. Use your creativity.

There are two reasons to abort these responses:

• If you're afraid of physical violence.
• If you hear decided and deliberate intention to hurt or destroy. (More on that next time.)