The Listenary

In order to defuse verbal attack, your response must refuse or undermine as many as possible of the following:

• The use of personal language, and personal engagement.
• The use of those "red flag" words.
• The use of emphasis spikes in the tune of the language.
• The power of the hook in the presuppositions.
• The attacker's aim to keep your attention totally engaged for his chosen amount of time.

In previous articles, we examined the first two steps:

1. Stop. Talk less. Modulate voice. Get distance.
2. Observe. Language, tone, presuppositions, and even the physical symptoms in the atacker and yourself.

Here we begin the third step, Strategize.

Of course the first strategy is listening. It's okay to say nothing in response to verbal attack, and then remove yourself from the situation as soon as possible. Oh the other hand, I will give you here some responses that you can hang on the walls of your mental safe room so as to not take into yourself the implications of the presuppositions. You could really feel bad about yourself even if you succeed in not feeding the attack, and this would only gratify the attacker and impair your own function for a time.

First, let's talk about the language. If you were brought up speaking English, you already recognize the language of hostility, and you can reason out how not to use it. To counter the personal nature of the attacker's language, use "It" language. Go to third person; no I-language here. Stay in It-language. To counter the use of those "red flag" words, don't use them. Purge them from your language. To counter the emphasis spikes, talk like a computer or a GPS voice. Modulate your voice. Do not increase the pitch or the volume of your voice, either on certain words or in general. Practice this in role play. If you can't do it yet, then keep silence.

Second, the presuppositions. Don't answer the bait and get caught in endless cycles of trying to explain yourself. It doesn't work. The presuppositions all point to one: You should feel bad about yourself. If you overlook the presuppositions and argue the bait, you thereby agree with those presuppositions. The attacker feels vindicated and fed. Your emotions hi-jack your responses and make you physically hurt.

So please take some time examining your most recent verbal attack. Locate all the hidden presuppositions and unhappy agenda that you can. You know it by listening to the feeling in your gut.

Before I give you a succinct view of presuppositions and their responses, I will urge you to get the books listed in my bibliography written by Suzette Haden Elgin and by Patricia Evans. Each of these authors have written additional books that might also interest you. Their experience and examples are extensive and well worth study and understanding.

Next article: How to Respond to Hurtful Presuppositions.