The Listenary

If nothing else on this site yet works for your difficult communication situation, then do the SOS again.

• Stop. Talk less. Modulate voice. Get distance.
• Observe.
• Strategize.

This article suggests what to observe in order to recognize verbal attack or abuse among all the other situational possibilities. First notice three things:

1. Does the party you're dealing with use personal language and topics? You, your car, your house, your child, your looks, your logic, your feelings, your mom, etc.
2. Does the party you're dealing with use "red flag" words? We've mentioned some of them on this site. Here they are again: you should, you make me, Why, never, ever, always, everyone, no one. In a bit we'll add some more to the list.
3. Does the party you're dealing with use extra emphases? Notice the tune made by the words coming at you. Does the pitch spike up on two or more syllables in a stentence? Are some parts said with more volume than other parts?

Not any one of these alone qualifies the interaction as verbal attack. However, if all three of these questions receive your answer yes, then I believe it is imperative that you ask the next question: Are there confusing or hidden presuppositions? Discovering the hidden agendas in each sentence is important because these are the clues to why the hook works and these are the keys to getting free.

Hidden presuppositions don't seem to be the main part of the sentence, but they're the mean part of the sentence. The hidden agenda is where the "red flag" words fly (bold below). The hidden part is what gets your emotions in gear, while you try to answer and explain the other part just like your adversary wants you to, so he or she can feel powerful and in control of your next 30 minutes, or 30 hours, or . . . .

So let's look at one:

• "You should find a job."
• You want to explain all the places you've applied and how you've been ill and depressed and your computer quit working. This is the bait.
• But the presupposition behind "you should" or "you ought to" or "you must" is that you're either wrong or incompetent, and that the other person has the authority to define that about you.

Here's another one:

• "If you really wanted a job, you'd be out to interviews every morning at 8:00 a.m."
• You want to explain how late you were the previous night, and what the children needed before you could leave, and how the car wouldn't start. This is the bait.
• But the presupposition behind "If you" or "Don't you" or "Do you" is that you should doubt yourself.
• And the presupposition behind "even" or "really" is that you should be ashamed of yourself.
• And the presupposition behind "want" or "care" is that you should change your feelings.

Try this one:

• "Why don't you ever try for a job when it comes your way?"
• You want to list all the jobs you've tried for, to which your attacker will add  insult after insult as to how that wasn't a decent try. This is the bait.
• But the presupposition behind "Why" is that you're to blame, and without realizing it you will likely slip into the blaming mode to match what's coming at you. Don't.
• And the presupposition behind "ever" or "never" or "always" is that you should feel trapped, immobilized, and hopeless.

Here's another:

• "Everyone else thinks it's not healthy for a grown person not to have a job."
• You want to argue that you are as healthy as the next person. This is the bait.
• But the presupposition behind "everyone else" and "no one else" and even "someone else," with heavy intonation, is that you should feel very obligated to the one speaking either for protecting you from "everyone," or for being a good "someone."

And one more:

• "A person who spent as much money on school as you did should be able to get a job."
• You want to argue or bring research that shows you're not so far out of line with other persons. This is the bait.
• But the presupposition behind "a person who" or "anyone who" or "someone who" is that the finger is pointed at you personally and you're so entangled with the speaker that you will read his or her mind and feel bad about yourself.

And an extra one:

• "You make me so mad. See what you made me do."
• You want to yell back and act out your own anger to show what that person made you do.
• The presupposition behind "you make me" or "you made me" is that you actually have the power to make someone, and that you are using your power wrongly to hurt someone smaller than you and you should feel ashamed. It's not a powerful thing for that person to admit.

There are so many others, and these are the nice ones! I'm sure you can add your own variants. In my next article I will suggest ways to answer one of the presuppositions in each example rather than arguing the point that hooks you. Do not bite the bait. Yes, the bait dangles and looks like the right thing to bite, but don't! You'll be on the puppet end of the string dancing to the attacker's game for however long, and to whatever extent of anger and abuse he or she wishes for you.

I know I mixed my metaphors. Just let it be. And come back next time.