The Listenary

The state of systemic anxiety in a corporation, church, or family manifests itself in indirect communication. What's missing? I-statements! and the commitment to honesty and responsibility that goes with them. Therefore, one would think the simple solution is dogged determination to use I-language. I would urge caution.

Here I spent serveral articles teaching I-language, and I gave you a formula for making I-statements under pressure. One might think that this formula should help a person get better at communication under any circumstances, including situations manifesting systemic anxiety. Not so fast.

We move now into discussing some situations where I-language may not be safe. Perhaps all along in this course, you've held out on me, saying something like, "Well that won't work in my situation." You may have good reason to say that, and you are listening well to yourself when you maintain your caution. Systemic anxiety is but the one of several difficult communication situations where simple use of I-statements could feed into abusive patterns.

Now you wonder why I taught you I-language if I will finally come around to telling you that sometimes you can't use it. Well, I had to teach the rule before I could teach how to break it. That's been the process in most of the things I've learned in my life.

In systemic anxiety, the pressure of the entire group, whether 5 or 500 people, can be immense. The newcomer or newly aware person who decides to switch to I-statements could become the brunt of all the rumors, gossip, blaming, copycatting, bullying, polarization, and triangling that are the symptoms of systemic anxiety. That's not a bad thing if you're statue-strong in your self-definition and can maintain that stance without any flicker of retaliation.

However, suppose you strike out to communicate differently. You need lead time, time for beta testing, time to visualize the desired results. You will need a personal support system to keep you wise while everyone around you pushes you back into the tangled web. If you try to bring health to a chronic and systemic anxiety, and then you get pushed back into the web, two unhappy results will follow.

One, you will be sad, maybe discouraged and depressed. Your entanglement will be deeper and firmer than ever before. You may even be drawn into more intensely dramatic displays of the symptoms. Your suppressed outrage may show in any number of dysfunctional ways. Your happiness and your health will suffer.

Two, the organization will entrench itself more deeply against any future efforts to reform. The systemic anxiety will grow more chronic, more subtle and strong to hold its victims.

In systemic anxiety, I-statements may not be wise. You will listen well, and test your new skills carefully. You will find a listener or consultant to help you stay firm despite anti-reform pressures. You will accept that you may never have the open communication in this system that you desire.