The Listenary

To "I" or not to "I," that is the question. In each of the difficult communication situations we have addressed so far, diversity, conversational ignorance, and true conflict, I-statements are necessarily part of the solution.

The first question to ask when communication faints toward difficult is "How are we different?" The answers to that question are best formulated in I-Statements, each person giving an honest response from his or her own position, not speaking for another. When each understands the other, and you can laugh together and re-adjust tasks and boundaries, then you have successfully dealt with the difficult communication situation called diversity.

If a thorough working with the first question doesn't render a solution, then the second question to ask is "Am I getting what I want?" This requires deep assessment of what it is that you really want out of this situation. Then say what you want with clear and personal I-Statements. If you can make and repeat your I-Statements with respect for both you and the other party, and if you can get what you want in this way without killing something else you want, then you have successfully dealt with the difficult communication situation through the power of assertiveness.

If you have worked the first two questions all the way, then the third question is "How are we fighting?" You might be able to do the analysis of conflict styles by effective observation. On the other hand, when you begin actually setting up a fair conflict, I-Statements will be imperative. Your required pre-commitments should be stated in first person. To come to the necessary preliminary decisions you will need to state your wishes for time and procedures in clear and owned I-Language. Your actual process of the conflict will need I-Language throughout, and this way of speaking will help you abide by the rules of engagement for fair conflict.

Soon, I will write articles here about systemic anxiety, verbal attack, and antagonists. These are difficult communication situations that may not be safe for the clear and honest I-Statements. If everything we have done here so far doesn't seem to help your situation, then it is possible I-Statements are not what you need. If there is some situation of yours where you would feel extremely unsafe speaking as clearly and honestly as I-Language requires, then I suggest caution. Trust your gut.

I'm glad you've learned I-Statements here because when you use them in your own head, whether or not you say them aloud, you are becoming a more clear-headed person, and your life will get better for it. Furthermore, I can't teach you how to break a rule unless you've learned it.

Before going on to "Difficult . . . Part 2," I hope you will review everything above that heading on the menu of this website. It will require a good investment of time, and will reward you accordingly.