The Listenary

Good fighting would be the kind that respects each party and strengthens the relationship(s) between them. We have already discussed pre-requisite commitments and preliminary decisions required for managing conflict in a way that contributes to effective team function. Now we turn to the boundaries, five rules of engagement for good, clean fighting.

Stick to one topic at a time. Tangling up more than one conflict issue at a time produces confusion and increases tensions. If you perceive several issues to be a tangled mass already, perhaps an ordering of the issues should be included in the preliminary decisions. Back up a bit in the process and settle the order of appearance, then settle one issue at a time. A consultant might help to sort this out, perhaps one-on-one at first.

Use no name calling. This is a disrespectful behavior that you can curb by deciding it will be off limits for you.

Use no blaming. This is totally useless, and arouses defensiveness. You cannot fix what you will not claim and own.

Use no throwing. This is another behavior you can curb by firm decision. If you need time out, respectfully state that fact and remove yourself from the tension for a break.

Use no hitting. This is absolutely disallowed. You may not hit anything, not the table, not the door, not a person. If hitting occurs, the session must halt and if commitments can be re-established, perhaps the process can begin again from the beginning on another day.

Perhaps you can see that these rules of engagement will be part of the commitment process and the procedures decisions. If these rules cannot be committed to, and adhered to, then you have a different kind of difficult communication. You can look back to my two articles on conversational ignorance (and here's the second article) or you can look forward to upcoming articles on systemic anxiety, verbal abuse, and antagonists.