The Listenary

So far, you have a conflict, that is, two or more different parties want to control the same resources, space, etc. The relationships of the parties is important to you so you will seek collaboration as a conflict management style. You have gained the necessary commitments from each party.

The next thing needed is some good hard decision-making, not about the fighting issues, not yet. The decisions needed at this point are preliminary decisions, to set the stage for effective conflict. They are: 1) Do you need a consultant? 2) What is the time frame for this fight? and 3) What are the procedures for this fight?

Do you need a consultant? A neutral, objective outsider might be helpful for any of several reasons. One or more parties might feel that any of the commitments could vanish under stress. Perhaps no one involved in the conflict really has any information on how to proceed from here. Or perhaps someone involved would feel safer with an "umpire" on hand to enforce the rules. If anyone involved in the conflict at this point wishes for a consultant, or mediator, then it would be best to go ahead and provide that safety net.

What is the time frame for this fight? This is not a trick question nor an insignificant one. Most companies and families cannot sustain for a long time the intense work required in fighting fairly. Neither does a corporation or family need the conflict to continue after this managed period, since then it's more likely to go underground, or turn into guerilla warfare. So decide, come to a decision among you, about how long you think it will take to hear each other well all the way to the bottom line. You will disagree about this, so here is your first opportunity to share your bottom line about how much time you want to spend. Here an uninvolved consultant might be able to hear the needs better than active parties who are troubled already about the issues in the fight more than settling a time frame.

What are the procedures for this fight? How will you make sure everyone gets heard? Who will speak first? And how will others know when a speaker is finished for the time being? Will you use a timer? How will you break up the time for meals or rest or other work? What are foundational principles and values agreed upon and held by all? How will you solicit and honor unpopular opinions? How will you help those who cannot seem to express themselves so well? How will you evaluate the options? How much affirmation or consent must you gain for any option in order to foresee successful implementation? How will the group solidify and grow team spirit around the chosen option? Not all these questions must be tackled for every group, and some groups will have different questions to settle. The important factor here is that every person involved understand the procedures and what to expect for process in this conflict.

The pre-requisite commitments and the preliminary decisions are part of the strategies for good conflict. The next piece of strategy involves rules of engagement.