The Listenary

I suppose whether or not you struggle to fight fairly has to do with how much you value your relationship with the other party in the fight. If you don't care if hostilities escalate or become interminable, you can break ranks and take up guerilla or sniper warfare. However, if your goal is to build a strong family or corporate culture, then you will find the ways to work out your fights lie within some important commitments.

Furthermore, the commitments required are mutual. If not all of the involved parties can commit, then there is no fair fight. You can go back to assertiveness skills for dealing with conversational ignorance, or you can break off the relationship, or you can take up some of the skills we will discuss in the future for more difficult situations.

To deal with conflict in such a way as to build open, honest relationship requires certain commitments entered into on the part of all parties. To obtain these commitments might be the work of a mediator, so stop and ask yourself if you need to get help.

Each party must commit to owning fault in the conflict. Blaming, if it continues, is a sign of a more difficult communication situation. The old addage is true: There are two sides to every conflict. You must commit to owning the fault that is yours, not owning any more than is yours, but all that is yours. This will require some deep thinking, some listening to the hurt of other parties, and some courage. If you're still afraid the other party will take advantage of your "'fessing up" as if you were giving in, then ask youself if you need to get mediation help.

Each party must commit to clarifying the bottom line. My two young friends were each stating emphatically their plans: one would not sleep in the tent outdoors, the other would for sure sleep in the tent outdoors. Since there was only one mother to be with two girls, they needed to come to some decision. So I noted how they really weren't getting anywhere by each more loudly than the other claiming their final decision and invited them to talk with me. Finally, I learned that the one didn't like the sleeping bag sticking to her legs, and the other wanted us all to be able to sleep together rather than in separate rooms in the house. When everyone knew the bottom line for each, the solution was simple and obvious. We took sheets to line the sleeping bag and went to the tent. So you will be surprised, I think, at how solutions do arise out of the problem itself and the clarifications of the bottom line needs of each party. If you're afraid the other party will take advantage of knowing your bottom line in order to gain power or gloating privileges over you, then perhaps you do not have a safe fight. You can ask for this commitment until you receive assurance that does give you safety, or you can admit that this is more serious than open conflict.

Each party must commit to winning for all parties. That means I must listen well to understand what indeed would be a win for the other parties. The conversation might require much time to hear each party's bottom line clarification, and then to hear it again more clearly. All the skills of listening that are part of this course will be required to hear well and make this a good fight. If all parties cannot commit to work through to a win-win outcome, then perhaps you need to choose another conflict management style, say, authority or compromise.

Collaboration as a conflict management style is the win-win style. Compromise says, "win some, lose some." Authority/competition says, "I win, you lose." Accommodation says, "I lose, you win." Avoidance results in "lose-lose." For more about relationally conceptualized conflict, see David Augsburger, Caring Enough to Confront: How to Understand and Express Your Deepest Feelings Toward Others (Ventura, CA: Regal Books, 1981).

Good conflict, fair fighting, the kind that builds rather than tears down relationships, requires all the skills this course teaches, and some skills that come from your own intuition and caring person. May you count the cost and prepare well.