The Listenary

You're asking the important question, "How are we fighting?" to help you better observe your conflict. I will list and describe five different ways people approach conflict. Why would you want to know five ways? Because different situations call for different styles of approach.

One growth area for your conflict management skills might be to become flexible in which approach you choose to use. Dysfunction may have begun in early life if you were always expected to handle conflict in only one of these ways. On the other hand, you will work with people who invariably choose one or the other of these styles, and if you understand their default, you can more effectively choose your own ways of handling conflict with them.

Avoidance. You can avoid conflict. You can leave the scene, physically or merely emotionally. You can "get down" when bullets fly. Yes, there are good reasons to use avoidance sometimes as a conflict management style, especially if there are guns or other violence involved. However, always using avoidance lays no strong foundation for deep and sturdy relationships and fulfilling intimacy.

Accommodation. You can accommodate the other parties' needs and remain in the scene. This works for parents to grant what the child wants while still remaining in control. A roommate can allow extra space for the other person simply by choosing that option and staying in good relationship. There are good reasons to use accommodation sometimes as a conflict management style, especially to give in for the sake of the relationship. However, always using accommodation will likely leave you feeling resentful, irritable, depressed, and disrespected, which in the long run will ruin the relationship you tried to save.

Authority/Competition. You can pull rank, use your authority, as a parent directing a child to get out of the street NOW. You can butt heads in competition to see who will outmaneuver the other. There are good reasons to use authority, when you have authority, and you know better than others what should be done, and there is urgency. There are good reasons to use competition when it's time to find out which contestant is stronger or more qualified. However, one who always pulls rank or butts heads will, in current civilization, likely find their popularity rating plummeting.

Compromise. You can give a bit, and watch for the other party to give a bit, and be prepared to give a bit more if needed. You can go into the conflict with well-thought-out tiers of demands, knowing your bottom line and all the increments of concessions that protect that bottom line. You won't tip your hand too soon in the negotiations because that would give the other the advantage of knowing too much about your bottom-line demands. There are good reasons to use compromise, especially in formal negotiations and to defuse violent or otherwise volatile situations. However, always using compromise will leave a residue of distance between you and the other party. Since the other party, and perhaps even you, never know for sure your bottom line, there is no deep basis for intimacy and mutual support.

Collaboration. You can determine to give and invite commitment to full disclosure and mutual respect of different bottom lines for different people. You can together commit to speaking in I-statements and listening the full distance, to hearing the fine nuances of the needs of each party. You can collaborate all the way through the conflict and come out with a win for everyone involved. At the end, you have greatly deepened your understanding of each other and your commitment to mutual respect and building the relationship. There are good reasons to use collaboration, especially when your commitment to on-going and deepening relationship is very strong and you believe that same commitment holds with the other parties. However, always using collaboration could cause you to miss deadlines or opportunities since the time required could be extensive. 

First, in conflict management, ask "How are we fighting." Discover, if you can, your own and others' default ways of doing conflict. Learn and experiment with styles of approaching conflict that are new to you. Step out of your comfort zone into a flexibility that will let you handle successfully more and more of your difficult communication situations.