The Listenary

Let's review and recap now the three basic steps in facing any difficult communication. They fit the acrostic SOS: Stop, Observe, Strategize.

Under the heading "Diversity"

The Stop refers to silencing the current distraction and staying present and engaged. Under "Diversity," the Observe asks "How are we different?" and may even participate in some assessments to raise awareness of differences. Under "Diversity," the Strategize includes laughing together, re-assigning tasks, and re-adjusting boundaries.

Under the heading "Conversational Ignorance"

The Stop refers to silencing the distractions, and suggests you might want to get a little distance, a time-out of a sort. Under "Conversational Ignorance," the Observe asks "Am I getting what I want?" and looks for any of a list of early warning signs. Under "Conversational Ignorance," the Strategize includes feedback words, behaviors, and feelings; repeat and restate; agree and admit.

Under the heading "Conflict"

The Stop for "Conflict" refers to silencing the distractions, getting distance, checking vocal modulation, and possibly getting help. By checking vocal modulation, I mean the idea of listening to yourself. Are you screaming or yelling? Is your pitch high and squeaky? Keeping a level tone, volume, and pitch will go a long ways toward expressing respect in the conversation.

The Observe for "Conflict" asks "How are we fighting?" In a soon-coming article, we will review the various conflict management styles, and let you assess your own most-used style. Each other person in any particular conflict has his or her own most-used style, also. Awareness of the ways we fight when we face conflict will allow you to choose the most effective way for this particular conflict rather than just falling into the one you are familiar with.

The Strategize for "Conflict" includes some commitments necessary by all parties to the conflict, some evaluations necessary before beginning conversation about the conflict, and some basic respect rules. I will bring each of those items up in order for you to examine and practice.

For now, your assignment is to work your situation through "Diversity" and "Conversational Ignorance" to see if either of those SOS solutions will suffice. If not, you may have actual "Conflict," so please do the items above listed for Stop. Then watch this column for more on the other pieces of the solution.