The Listenary

You've learned to listen more, and to say "I" in order to stay honest and out of the other person's stuff. You've learned to use affirming Aye-language, clarifying I-language, and connecting Eye-language. You've even learned a formula for using these skills under pressure.

You've analyzed your difficult situation to discover whether it is solvable with simple diversity skills. And you've decided to go on in the assessment mode.

The next question to ask is this: "Am I getting what I want?" You may find it amusing, as I do, that so very often one must work hard to think to the bottom line of what one wants. So, do that. What is it that you want out of this conversation? Do you want the tires put on the way you first requested? Do you want eye contact when you talk? Do you want your answer "No" to be accepted? It is important for all our work going forward that you always be willing to do the work necessary to discover the core of what you want.

The strategies for getting what you want in the face of conversational ignorance are basic assertiveness skills. You may read a wide variety of discussions and teachings on assertiveness by searching online. Here I will give three paragraphs, short and easy to remember.

In all the strategies I present, here and in other articles, the purpose is to get through the communication difficulty with respect for all parties involved. So when you read these sample sentences, put into them your own pathos and compassion for the other person. Try to hear them first inside your head in a respectful tone of voice. Include absolutely no reason for the other person to mistake these sentences for accusation or blame or arrogance in yourself. Keep your voice modulated and kind. Practice now will make it easier under pressure later.

Strategy 1. Feedback:

Feedback Words: 

• "The words you used were rude to me."
• "Your words did not explain adequately what you were going to do."
• "I heard at least three emotionally loaded buzz words in what you said."

Feedback Behaviors:

• "I saw you roll your eyes."
• "You turned your back to me as if you didn't care."
• "The tone of your voice sounds angry to me."

Feedback Feelings:

• "I'm feeling very confused right now."
• "When you lift your lip that way it feels to me like a sneer."
• "I wonder if you're feeling unhappy with the results so far."

Strategy 2. Repeat/Restate: (It becomes a game to see how many ways you can express respect for the other while also saying what you need to say.)

• "I send my regrets. I cannot come to your party."
• "I have previous plans for that night. I cannot come."
• "Yes, I choose my own priorities, and I have chosen not to come."
• "I cherish the effort you have put into this event, and I will have to miss it this time."
• "I'm sure it will be a smashing success without me. I cannot come."
• "I appreciate your invitation and regret that I cannot come."
• "Thank you for your confidence in my social leadership at a party. I cannot come this time."
• "I do care that you find good help for your party. It will not be me this time."
• "It is true that I may wish I had come, and I'll take that risk. I will not be coming to your party."
• "I don't know what my decision will be next time. This time I cannot come."

Strategy 3. Agree/Admit:

• "I agree that some people like the whitewalls out; I gave you specific instructions and I want the tires installed the way I instructed."
• "You are right that other parents have different house rules, it's helpful to observe and notice the differences."
• "It is true that you might get bored listening to me because your mind listens faster than my mouth can talk." 
• "I admit that I left your premises without speaking about the issue; I'm back and I want the tires re-installed the way I requested."
• "I did raise my voice at you; now I have my voice under control and I want to discuss the issue."
• "Is there something else about this that you think I don't understand?"
• "Your emotion seems stronger than I would expect; have I done something else that bothers you?"

Assertiveness uses the skills we've learned already in this course. The I-language formula can be used to good effectiveness when dealing with conversational ignorance.

Consider one caveat: If the person who has shown conversational ignorance to you is a stranger, you can use these tools to their fullest extent, and usually get what you want. However, if the person involved is a family member or someone with whom you want or need an on-going working relationship, then the word is "Choose your battles." If you make everything an assertion of what you want, you will undermine the larger result you want, a happy family or collegial working relationship. So it might be best to choose only one issue at a time in which to practice assertiveness.