The Listenary

After dealing with diversities, the next level of difficulty in communication is talking to a "jerk." That's my name for someone with conversational ignorance and not much apparent desire to learn or practice the principles of communication.

The assessment question to ask yourself is this: "Am I getting what I want?"

If your knee jerk response to that question is horror that you would be so selfish, please read my articles about keeping boundaries. You can click here.

Did the mechanic do the tires the way you requested? Does the spouse say, "Yes, yes, yes..." and give no other indication of hearing what you said? Does the teen in your house know exactly which buttons to push to make you back down?

Of course, we're all ignorant of good communication, to some extent. Teens are just learning. I'm still learning. There are some, however, who don't seem to care to learn. They charge through life not noticing the chaos in their wake.

If mere diversity skills don't improve your difficult situation, then ask youself, "Am I getting what I want?" First, you will stop, you will get distance if you need it. Take an imaginary phone call or go to the water fountain. Perhaps physical distance will give you clearer perspective. Then you will observe.

Early warning signs of such ignorance would be habits of gossip, speaking with the collective "we," giving unsolicited advice, monopolizing the conversations, pressuring others to agree, and competing to top the previous bit of conversation. One incident of something like this would not identify arrogant ignorance, but habitual trends might.

Two other warning signs are important here.

One, lying is a warning sign of all sorts of difficulty, all the way from arrogant ignorance to the worst situation. If it shows up in your early assessment here, just note it and see if it clears up with the skills you have from this course and my next article. If not, you may have something more dangerous on your hands.

Two, confusion is a warning sign easly overlooked or marginalized. If you feel confusion every time you talk with a certain person, please pay attention. It is not so likely you are confused as it is that the other person is communicating in arrogant ignorance and doesn't care how you feel about it. As with lying, please note your confusion, and see if it clears up as you practice the skills of my next article.

Now we're ready to look at assertiveness skills in the light of all we've learned so far. Next time.