The Listenary

The first question to ask yourselves when communication turns toward  difficulty is "How are we different?"

First, stop whatever is currently distracting you from wise communication, but be sure to stay present and engaged with the other persons.

Then, ask and discuss "How are we different?" Oh, yes, it may require a bit of time to do this and really understand each other, but is not a little time now better than a huge blow-up later?

Observe differences in feelings, in behaviors, and in the returning or mounting results or effects these feelings and behaviors. You may decide to bring in some sort of assessment or testing instrument to formalize and raise awareness of these differences, or you may be able to dig them out yourselves, share them openly, and notice them respectfully.

The strategy, after you have stopped and observed, includes three steps: 1) Laugh together, 2) Re-assign tasks, and 3) Re-adjust boundaries.

Laughing together is important for bonding, and also as an indicator that this is truly only a diversity issue. If one of the parties can't laugh about it and go on, then you must go on to ask further questions about the situation. More of these further questions in future articles.

Re-assigning tasks agrees with simple logic. As siblings, if I liked to vaccuum the floor but hated sweeping the carport, and my sister loved sweeping the carport but hated vaccuuming the floor, then it would be nonsensical to require a division of labor that ignores the preferences. It's true that sometimes we have to do things we detest, and sometimes there is no one who loves a certain piece of the job. Communicating respectfully about the differences can unearth some surprising solutions!

Re-adjusting boundaries also agrees with simple logic. If my roommate's part of the house is always "messy" and I thrive only in "neat," and perhaps the "neat" has been nagging at the "messy," then a simple re-drawing of the map might help. Deciding on a "neat-nag-free" zone and a "mess-free" zone could be a brilliant solution relieving the tension and building relationship.

In all this communication, be sure to use the skills described in this course. Use Aye-language, be affirming. Use I-language, stay honest. Use Eye-language, stay engaged. The formula for making I-statements under pressure may work well in communicating through diversity.

Ask, "How are we different?"

Later, I'll write a series of articles here on some very interesting ways in which we are different, ways that impact our communication