The Listenary

Here are three behaviors that might be standing between you and effective, enjoyable communication.

Interruption and Talkover. One person grew up in a family who interrupted and talked over each other all the time. My friend, a sibling in the family, told me that if someone wasn't verbally responding or expounding while he was still talking about the topic, then he felt unnoticed. The talkover, the more the better, was this family's way of affirming one another. Well, if that's your family, then I say, "Dive in!" However, many families are not that way, so you may need to learn another way of being with others and affirming them in order to win your mate or to present in the board room. One of the things you probably learned in Kindergarten is to take turns. That works best in communication, also. It's alright to talk about interruptions, a nonverbal behavior that likely needs to be brought into verbal status.

Unsolicited Advice. Try asking your partner in communication what he or she wishes from you in the particular communication incident. She may want merely an ear. He may want a wise solution. He may want a spread of options. You give the wrong one, and you halt, at least for a split second, the flow of that person's thought and communication. Even though she might indeed want a wise solution in the end, she may need some moments of plain listening before she's ready for the solution. You jump in too soon and you'll shortchange the gratitude you could have had heaped on you for your "understanding." It's alright to talk about what kind of response is desired and needed in a specific instance.

Questions, Prompts, and Completions. The primary problem with these is that they can be so interruptive that you, and maybe the world, will never know what was on the other person's mind. Habits of communication that lock in on questions, prompts, or completions, either as your usual mode in general or as your usual mode with a certain person or group, can limit others in developing their own thought processes. So try letting a moment of silence hang before you jump in with a question, prompt, or completion. Learn to enjoy silence! After the silence, a question can be turned into an "I wonder..." statement. After a significant silence filled with your focused attention, if a prompt or completion is still needed, it can be done as your own statement, "I thought you might say..."

The purpose in avoiding these behaviors is to keep the channels of communication open and flowing. The more listening communication flows, the sooner you might hear something very important to you.