The Listenary

There are some words that carry almost automatic misleading connotations in America. One of those is the word, "Why." Common American usage of this word as a question likely has no intention at all of collecting data or information about the reasons related to the question. We have come to use "Why" for other reasons. Try these.

"Why don't you take that course on listening that's advertised for next weekend?" You can practically feel the opinion and advice oozing out of that question. If you try to answer with reasons, there will probably simply be more advice where that came from.

"Why can't you listen to me?" "Why can't you look at me when I'm speaking to you?" Do you hear the demand or command in this? Perhaps you can even hear the demanding tone of voice used. No answer giving reasons is expected or accepted.

"Why on earth would you ever want to talk to you mother in that tone of voice?" In this case the use of the word "Why" borders on punishment or shame. Here again no reason answer will likely be heard.

The word "Why" is so commonly misused that it now almost automatically raises defensiveness in the other person. For this reason, I urge Americans to stop using the word altogether. See it as a red flag to signal miscommunication of some sort. When I hear it I ask myself to stop and analyze what is really being said.

When indeed you do want to gather information to understand the reasons for something, you could say something like, "Why did you cut that client off in the middle of the sentence?" The problem is that your superior who is demonstrating sales to you that day might hear this question as accusatory or impudent, and the communication would falter right there.

When you want to gather information, try inserting the words "wonder" and "reasons" into your sentence. "I wonder what were the reasons behind your decision to cut that client off in the middle of the sentence." This aims at being a true statement of your intent with as little baggage as possible. If you inflect it as a statement rather than a question it is better yet and leaves the other free to answer or not answer or to think about the answer before giving it.

"Why" can be an effective communication stopper.