The Listenary

I want you to ask yourself, What do I mean by this question? What is the bottom line of my motivation for asking this question? What do I hope to get in a response to my question?

Question your own questions.

In America we have become accustomed to using questions for other reasons than mere information gathering.

• We use a question to tell another person what to do: What's wrong with going to work at MacDonald's for awhile?
• We use a question to add guilt to another person: Whatever made you talk like that in front of her?
• We use a question to shade the truth: What did you mean by saying that, when just a bit ago you said the opposite?
• We use a question to posit a polarizing choice: Are you going to stay in here and be lazy or get up like a man and mow the lawn?
• We use a question to invite confidences (for gossip or manipulation): So what do you think of the new manager? Didn't I hear you wanted that posiiton?
• We use a question to remind and bind: What about that trip to Vegas you said you we would take?

After you've questioned your own questions and discovered their real motive and expectations, then re-do each question as an I-statement. Listen to each I-statement to hear how much more inviting to continued conversation it sounds. Questions can be conversation stoppers.

• I wonder what you've learned about working at MacDonald's for awhile.
• I didn't like the way you talked in front of her.
• I want to understand how you see this. Please try me again. I'm listening.
• When I see you mowing the lawn, I think, "What a man!"
• I can imagine you're feeling disappointed now. I think I heard that you wanted that manager position.
• I still want that trip to Vegas we talked about.